For me, atleast. I don't know about you. But after I wrote my post the other night I felt better. Not whole, but better. And thank you to those who have emailed, called, texted, etc. You've provided me with strength, support, and good counsel. I also emailed an extremely long note to someone else...which was even more therapeutic than this blog. And that email prompted a good conversation. So things are progressing in a variety of ways.
There are details that will probably always remain between me and God through all of this. Being the open book that I am, that's hard for me to accept. But it's probably for the best.
I learned last night that I have no clue how to pray. I know my prayers have been answered in the past. I know I only got through some phases of my life because of Him. But I have forgotten how to pray since I left Venezuela 10 years ago. Perhaps part of me doesn't want to open up anymore.
I've felt so overwhelmed the past 10 years, where do I even start? Many times, I'll get on my knees, think about "stuff," and eventually just get back up without even saying a word. I told God last night that I felt like I was talking to myself. I asked if I could talk to an angel so I could carry on a conversation--knowing that He could send one of necessary...but also knowing that it wouldn't happen...but it could. Then I started to scare myself and I backed off my request.
Prayer takes energy. And I haven't had that for years. My emotions are high and I'm fighting them. One of my goals is to figure out how to pray again...and know that my prayers go beyond the ceiling. I'm assuming it will take months or even years. One of those life lessons on endurance.
Through my recent struggles, part of me was hoping the world would come to an end...my life would fall apart...but neither thing happened. And now the really tough part begins--I have to continue moving forward and follow through. Oh...that's right. This is where faith and hope come in to play. Things we're taught all our lives but don't really understand until the devil stares us in the eyes.
Satan was attacking me on all fronts and he knew I was wearing down. God knows. And I'm still weak. But I took some steps yesterday to improve my many situations. Now I have to stick to it.
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2 comments:
i think it helps the rest of us when someone is willing to share their difficult growth experience.
thanks for sharing.
(and call me if you can before you go tomorrow)
I love you. I love you for being so concerned about you and others. I feel confident that the Lord loves you for some of the same reasons I do. He knows you and will some how let you know he is near.
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